So, I may have mentioned in other posts, but money has been a bit tight for me and my hubby while I am in school. It’s been getting tough, but I keep reminding myself that the end is near. With Christmas coming up, I felt like I didn’t know what to do to get a gift we each care about without spending money, especially since our wedding anniversary is 12/31…Well we came up with a pretty cute idea that I thought I would share in case others are racking their brains.
We will be putting together a “trip” that we would take each other on within the next 3 years. We are going to pick a spot and share all the details, picture, and all the fun stuff, without purchasing anything. I am pretty excited about it. I love to travel, and we both want to travel a bit before we start trying to have kids. I’m excited to see what he will put together, and I will have to narrow down my choices…
3 years later, I still find that grief comes in waves. I am working on a paper for school, and taking breaks to mourn you. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, and the past 3 years I have probably celebrated it the least in my entire life. While I want to celebrate now and have an amazing time (in your memory and for me), I continue to find it a challenge. My life is different because of you, and it is different without you. I wish I could hear you on the phone or have you for another visit, and tell stories to each other late into the night as we catch up on what has been happening. Reminisce about our travels abroad, and chatter about the travel we hope to do yet. I have loved our little visits, although they pale in comparison to hanging out in person. I love you, dude.
I am only 5 weeks away from completing my MSW!! I have a lot to write between now and then, but it feels unreal! After this, I will (hopefully) find a job that will offer supervision for licensing. I am considering joining the military as an officer, but that will depend on if I can pursue what I want to. But I do want to work with military families so it may be a good option.
I have been so excited to make my marriage more equal again, once I have a job again. But I am also wanting to start planning stuff to celebrate our marriage. We are getting close to our 2 year wedding anniversary! I have the gift in my head for that, but we have been wanting to take a trip to the Grand Canyon for an anniversary. I am thinking it will have to be for our 3rd anniversary, but I am excited just thinking about it. I am going to start planning it for fun. It may be a camping trip. And our puppy might come with us, since the camp ground is pet-friendly. So much for us to see before we start to add to our family. I can’t wait to see where life takes us.
I am so excited to share that my husband and I will be welcoming a puppy into our little family! We were originally planning on waiting until I was done with school, but my schedule changes allow for some more wiggle room, and we saw some puppies up for adoption that we just fell in love with. We filled out the application, had the home check yesterday, and will be meeting the puppy and taking him home today!! My husband has waited his entire life to have his own dog, so he is beyond excited, and I am also excited for this next step for our family. Pictures may come later, if I think of it!
So I have officially started my 30 hours/week at work. Now I have full-time school, 20 hours/week of internship, and 30 hours/week of work. I now have 10 EXTRA HOURS IN MY LIFE!!!! And yet, at the same time, there is still never enough time. But I hope to improve my school work and do some more self-care.
A few weeks ago, I handed in a paper (that I really didn’t get to work on the way I like to) and I got the grade back this week. I passed, I got an 87. That is a really great grade considering that I started it an handed it in on the day it was due. The thing that bothers me is knowing I could have had a 97 if I was able to put in the work for it earlier. Now that I have more time in my schedule, I hope I can really step up my game for the last 3 papers I need to write. All of them are about 15 pages so I really need to have the focus and time to put into the research and writing. Even though I had to stay up late to work on some coursework last night, I plan to have enough time this weekend to work on some assignments and spend some time with friends.
I feel so relieved knowing I don’t have to work tomorrow, and have the whole afternoon to work on other things that I need to get done. I will probably do some work (off-the-clock) to stay within timelines, but at least I don’t HAVE to be on work unless I choose to be. But I feel so free, and like there is actually light at the end of the tunnel. Only 8 more months before I can start looking at other jobs! Because I am ready to be with management who cares about their employees, and to be direct care for my clients.
So back in high school, I read the book 13 Reasons Why. I loved the book. I thought it was such an interesting story, around why a girl in high school chose to commit suicide. Mind you, I never contemplated suicide. Now there is a series of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix, so I decided to watch it. They have made some changes and updated some of the social media and high school social events, which I don’t mind. But one thing that I don’t really remember is Hannah outright blaming the other students. It would be so hard if I had lost someone to suicide and then to read this book or see this show depicting that it’s everyone else’s fault for someone committing suicide. Of course it is better to be a nice person to people and to not believe everything you hear. However, you can’t control other people. Suicide and depression have such an impact on a person, so I’m not blaming those who commit suicide either. I just would not want people to think it was their fault for a friend committing suicide. It makes me sad, and maybe even a little angry to see the show depicting that it is other people’s fault. I can’t quite remember all the details of the end, so I hope it gives some different perspectives. I also worry that this show/book may lead to contagion in suicide among teens.
But if you are someone reading this who has been affected by suicide, I hope you know that you are not to blame. And for those who have suicidal ideation or homicidal ideation, I hope you can reach out to someone in a real way to get some help. When it is dark and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, I hope you fight to get to that better day. It’s never going to be easy, but that does come no matter how many times you get stuck in those dark places.
So when I first moved out to CO, I loved my job. My supervisor was amazing and supportive, and so were all the peers in the office. Slowly, and then all at once, everything changed. My supervisor left, and found a different job that was better for her expertise, and then a lot of others quit and moved on. We had such a high turn-over in such a short time. The usual caseload for people working 40hrs/wk is 120 clients. I had 140, and then coverage was split across the office for all the cases on people’s caseloads, so I became responsible for about 200 cases. These are long term care medicaid adults, where I manage services and make sure they are able to live safely in their homes. Needless to say, there weren’t enough hours in the day to complete assessments and return all phone calls that were piling up in my emails, and make the regularly scheduled contacts we need to make. Needless to say, I have been hugely overwhelmed, especially going to school full-time. I have been so burnt out.
So I finally asked to lower my hours and my caseload. It took management 6 weeks to figure this out, but I will be finally doing this starting in April. This also means can’t do case coverage. My caseload will be 120 (still high, but I’ll figure this out). I so badly want to quit, but can’t because I need the income. I feel like I’ve had to put school work on the back burner, and I don’t like that either. I keep telling myself I’ll be done in December with school, and then I can take some tests to qualify for some other positions towards what I want to do. I also rarely get to see my husband, so it has been a challenge to find the time to spend with him-undivided attention that is. I can see light at the end of the tunnel, just wish I could leave this job now instead of waiting! People leave their bosses, not their jobs…