So I have officially started my 30 hours/week at work. Now I have full-time school, 20 hours/week of internship, and 30 hours/week of work. I now have 10 EXTRA HOURS IN MY LIFE!!!! And yet, at the same time, there is still never enough time. But I hope to improve my school work and do some more self-care.
A few weeks ago, I handed in a paper (that I really didn’t get to work on the way I like to) and I got the grade back this week. I passed, I got an 87. That is a really great grade considering that I started it an handed it in on the day it was due. The thing that bothers me is knowing I could have had a 97 if I was able to put in the work for it earlier. Now that I have more time in my schedule, I hope I can really step up my game for the last 3 papers I need to write. All of them are about 15 pages so I really need to have the focus and time to put into the research and writing. Even though I had to stay up late to work on some coursework last night, I plan to have enough time this weekend to work on some assignments and spend some time with friends.
I feel so relieved knowing I don’t have to work tomorrow, and have the whole afternoon to work on other things that I need to get done. I will probably do some work (off-the-clock) to stay within timelines, but at least I don’t HAVE to be on work unless I choose to be. But I feel so free, and like there is actually light at the end of the tunnel. Only 8 more months before I can start looking at other jobs! Because I am ready to be with management who cares about their employees, and to be direct care for my clients.
So back in high school, I read the book 13 Reasons Why. I loved the book. I thought it was such an interesting story, around why a girl in high school chose to commit suicide. Mind you, I never contemplated suicide. Now there is a series of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix, so I decided to watch it. They have made some changes and updated some of the social media and high school social events, which I don’t mind. But one thing that I don’t really remember is Hannah outright blaming the other students. It would be so hard if I had lost someone to suicide and then to read this book or see this show depicting that it’s everyone else’s fault for someone committing suicide. Of course it is better to be a nice person to people and to not believe everything you hear. However, you can’t control other people. Suicide and depression have such an impact on a person, so I’m not blaming those who commit suicide either. I just would not want people to think it was their fault for a friend committing suicide. It makes me sad, and maybe even a little angry to see the show depicting that it is other people’s fault. I can’t quite remember all the details of the end, so I hope it gives some different perspectives. I also worry that this show/book may lead to contagion in suicide among teens.
But if you are someone reading this who has been affected by suicide, I hope you know that you are not to blame. And for those who have suicidal ideation or homicidal ideation, I hope you can reach out to someone in a real way to get some help. When it is dark and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, I hope you fight to get to that better day. It’s never going to be easy, but that does come no matter how many times you get stuck in those dark places.