The other day I was having a rough day. Ever since my friend died on Halloween (still no new information on why, she just passed away in her sleep), I have had more good days than bad days for the most part. But every once in a while, I have a really hard time with it. We were supposed to be in a lot of classes together next semester, so I feel like I’ve started grieving all over again. The other day on the way home from the dentist, this song came on and I was singing along really loud in my car. But it was one of my friend’s favorite songs, so all of a sudden I felt like she was singing it with me and I just started bawling my eyes out while trying to sing it. I just miss her so much. But I love having such great memories with her. I love that I can still be with her singing out the lyrics in my car.
So it has been about a month since I lost one of my best friends here at college. This past week, I have felt almost normal again. Yet the grief will still creep up on me at random moments. I never felt how heavy such a small organ like the heart could feel. Or the whole body for that matter. I can’t imagine what her family is going through, having their first family gathering since she passed away so suddenly and without reason. She wasn’t murdered, drunk or sick. She just passed away at the age of 21. That’s still the hardest part. That I can’t know what actually happened. That I can’t call her and text her and talk about future travel plans we had, yet I don’t have a reason as to why that is. It has been such a healing process the last couple weeks, and the dance department has all been such a wonderful support, the glue holding us all together. It is really a reminder to be so thankful everyday. I am so thankful to have family that supports me (even if they want me to stay close to home when it’s not the best option), to have a wonderful Godfather who keeps in touch despite being halfway across the country, to have wonderful friends, like Christina, who I can laugh with, talk with and create awesome memories with, to have a connection with the other beautiful ladies of this blog, and to have such a wonderful boyfriend who supports me, loves me and hopes for my best success. He helps even while he’s all the way in Colorado-a new challenge for our already long-distance, now we have a 2 hour time difference I wish that Christina was still physically here, but she has been showing us that she’s okay. I just miss her so damn much.